Christmas Letter 2010
One year, I’m gonna actually get these things out by Dec 15th. No, really. Quit laughing. Finally getting this year’s (last year’s?) cards in the mail with the annual quiz. The quiz is shorter because my family is boring and we don’t have much real news to share. But here you go– (identifying items removed, as usual.)
Dolan Christmas New Year Easter Quiz – Version 2010
This quiz will count as 53% of your final grade in Dolanology. Please use a
#2 pencil and fill in your answers completely.
1. Last summer the Dolans
a. took our Bedbug Circus on the road to New York City!
b. spent a lot of time on our vuvuzela lessons.
c. moved to West Texas. Yee-haw!
2. SugarDaddy’s new job
a. requires him to ask for squatters’ advice from Randy Quaid.
b. does not involve performing TSA patdowns on perfect strangers. (That’s just his hobby.)
c. is [military legal job.]
3. Last fall, Dolanmama
a. finally learned the difference between a schlemiel and a schlimazel.
b. figured out that if she put “Happy New Year” on the Christmas cards, she’d buy herself another week to mail them. Score! (Sigh. Still late.)
c. went back to school and plans to apply for a BSN nursing program this spring.
4. The big kids
a. saw a full-on double rainbow all the way across the sky! So intense! <delirious sobbing> What does this mean??
b. still don’t understand exactly what it is that the Kardashians *do*.
c. are all playing tennis and really liking high school.
5. This year, BabyGirl
a. is a guidette. Pass the bronzer.
b. will celebrate the new year with an oral reading of the Constitution.
c. started preschool two days a week and loves it.
6. The Dolan family wishes
a. Kate and William much luck in planning a wedding on such a tight budget.
b. Bieber would just cut the hair already.
c. you all a very merry Christmas and a most wonderful New Year!
Great Job, Kids–You’re ALL Winners
In his video commentary (and his essay in New Threats to Freedom) Michael Goodwin discusses the loss of our freedom to fail. While raising my five children, I have had numerous opportunities to see our society stealing this benefit from our kids. The “we’re all winners” mentality is being foisted upon children at an alarmingly early age. Mr. Goodwin notes that this new attitude is presented in the “seductive wrapping of compassion.” In a misguided attempt to preserve the self-esteem of America’s youth, inaction is being rewarded and all attempts and results are viewed as equally successful. The seed for this cult of mediocrity is planted early in American childhood.
The first time I registered my 6-year-old quadruplets for soccer, I was surprised; no score would be kept at the matches. It was explained that no child should feel like a “loser,” so each side would be considered winners regardless of the number of goals scored. Therefore, the kid on the sidelines picking new specimens for his grass-blade collection would be told he plays as well as the future Olympic soccer star. And they are both put on the same level as the kid who intentionally trips members of the other team and cries to her parents if she doesn’t get to kick the ball every time.
As my children have participated in various activities, the collection of trophies, medals, and certificates has grown rapidly. It seems that every workshop, competition, and class-completion includes an awards ceremony where no child is overlooked. I have heard some children comment, “It’s OK if you don’t do it right. Everyone gets a medal anyway.” These children understand the underlying concept of the “entitlement mania” described by Mr. Goodwin: every child will be rewarded for their performance, even if there was no effort, cooperation, or respect shown in the activity.
This message is also conveyed by “helicopter parents.” This term, originally used by Cline and Fay in their book Parenting with Love and Logic, refers to parents who are constantly hovering over their children and attempting to shield them from negative experiences, including failure. What these parents are teaching their children is that others will always bail them out of a difficult situation and that no results are needed to be “successful.” When a parent constantly runs interference with teachers, coaches, and friends, there is no chance a child will learn to handle their own difficult situations and triumph over adversity. If Mom and Dad are making sure that the child never founders, there will be no new skills learned or ideas formed by working through a failure.
Dealing with difficulties and failures allows our children to celebrate real success, develop stronger character, and create new concepts and solutions to handle their problems. As a society, we should value these benefits enough to make sure our children are allowed the opportunity to fail, thereby giving them every chance to succeed.
[Note: This is an essay I am entering into a scholarship contest based on the book New Threats to Freedom, edited and introduced by Adam Bellow. I am enjoying the book and encourage my regular readers (that would be you, Mom) to check it out.]
Is There A Movie About A Punnett Square?
Three of my big kids have the same Biology teacher. I met her on Parents’ Night and she seemed perfectly nice and sane and whatnot. However, two comments in as many weeks have me wondering if she is getting her information from some blogger with a tin foil hat.
The first was last week when she informed the class that she believed that twins can communicate telepathically. She then turned to one of my quads and asked, “Can you and your siblings do that?” He replied, “Yes ma’am, I’m getting something from my brother right now.” (No idea where he got that sarcastic sense of humor. Love my kids.) Witch Mountain may not be the most accurate resource on twins.
Tony and Tia: neither could hide their Eddie Albert fantasies from the other.
A few days later, she was discussing reproduction. She informed the class that, “Sometimes people take fertility drugs so they’ll have more than one baby.” The HOM (Higher Order Multiples) community will be so disappointed to know someone is on to our game. Many used fertility resources because we wanted our pregnancies to be physically difficult, our kids to be born months early and dangerously underweight, and to watch our babies struggle to stay alive. Oh, and feeding and caring for four infants at one time is something I had always dreamed of. (Hey, there’s that sarcasm!)
Apu was just asking for it.
Excluding the OctoMom, everyone I’ve ever met, heard of, or emailed with who has used fertility drugs or procedures has had one goal: to have A baby. In fact, depending on the medication or procedure, 80-95% of people who use a fertility option have a single baby and no one is ever the wiser.
Currently, the class is spending a lot of time discussing albinism.
A young, bald, albino boy with unusual powers. Yes, but can he talk to his sister with ONLY HIS MIND?!
I think this teacher and I could have a great weekend with our combined Netflix queues and a bottle of chianti.
Travesties of Spelling
I’ve heard of gas grills that burn gas. And charcoal grills that burn charcoal. But this is just sick:
I prefer mesquite.
The best part about this is that the person who wrote this probably required her “boyfernd” to get a “Baby Gril” tattoo. There is a high possibility that someone, somewhere, has this permanently etched in their flesh. And? Doesn’t even know it’s misspelled.
On a related note, I saw a woman at WalMart with a large tattoo on her arm: “This to shall pass.” I was dying to ask her “to whom?” But she looked like she could seriously mess me up.
Psyco (Scorpion) Killer
While picking up two of the big kids from a recent event, I receive a semi-hysterical phone call from the other two: a scorpion has run across the book while DD3 was doing her homework. Upon arriving at home, DS1 informs me that he has the scorpion cornered under a bed in the girls’ room. I grab the flashlight and drop to the floor to get a look at his quarry. WHOA! That thing is HUGE. And looks like it’s ready to attack with it’s tail all high and shiny. And is strangely, um, still. And . . . wait. Do scorpions usually have “Brach’s” printed on their side? That’s not a scorpion, that’s a large piece of wrapped hard candy. Which means . . . I’m lying on the floor and the scorpion is still at large. <All over body shudder with the requisite jumping and twitching and flapping of hands.>
I spent the next two days Googling “how to kill scorpions” and inspecting every inch of the girls’ floor with a bottle of Ortho Home Defense in my hand. I explained to the big kids that scorpions like to hide in clothes lying on the floor and they need to pick up their rooms. (Hey, I don’t know if it’s true, but why not use the crisis to my advantage? It could be true.) We were shaking out our sheets before bed and knocking out our shoes before putting them on. I was checking with my friend, DeAnna, who was actually stung by a scorpion when we were camp counselors together in North Georgia–that pretty much makes her the most-informed scorpion expert I know.
Researching scorpions on the internet, I read that when exposed to a black light, scorpions will glow green. It sounded like a way to combine finding the little sucker and doing a cool science experiment. So I put black light on my shopping list. (An aside–I haven’t had the strength to write a post covering the move to our new house because that will just bring on the tears. But the state of the rental house we moved into was appalling. Stains, odors, holes in the walls, torn carpet . . . the list goes on. I had to spend an entire week cleaning before we could move in our furniture and belongings. Cleaned the carpet twice and it was still pulling up dirty water. Suffices to say, I feel like the house might be clean and presentable about the time we’re ready to vacate in three years.) The Queen, who has a background in law enforcement and super-smart detective skills, strongly warned me against the black light. She explained how that light will show all sorts of urine, fecal, blood and other unmentionable-type stains and that, considering what filthy pigs the tenants before us had been, I probably did not want to see that. I followed her advice. Really, the whole house probably needs to be bleached.
Anyway, two nights later, SugarDaddy and I are sitting and watching TV and he suddenly points to the floor and dramatically announces, “There. It. Is.” Sure enough, the scorpion was crawling on the living room rug. The most concerning thing to me was that it had originally been upstairs and was now downstairs. If nasty little creatures like these are learning to use the stairs, what’s next? They’ll be texting their friends to come over? I grabbed a shoe and hammered the thing. Which made the shoe AND the scorpion bounce up into the air, frightening the cat in SugarDaddy’s lap who left scratches on his arm as she took her little furry butt as far away as possible. It was still moving, so I picked up the shoe again (I’m sure with just two fingers) and hammered again. Again, everything bounces up into the air. There was lots of squealing and jumping and running involved. But I was victorious.
It just LOOKS evil, amiright?
Of course, all of my sweet friends and family keep saying cheerfully, “You know, where there’s one, there are probably more!” So I am using the ottoman a lot now to keep my feet up where the scorpions (and sharks and alligators) can’t get them. My friend, Ben, totally shirked his work responsibilities to make this for me:
I love my friends.
UPDATE:
Number Two? Meet the bottom of my shoe. It's official, my house has SCORPIONS, PLURAL.
