Christmas Letters – Part 2
I mentioned in my last post that I have started formatting our family Christmas letter as a quiz. As the fall weather sets in, that can only mean one thing: that it’s time to start working on this year’s quiz questions. Hey, it’s not easy coming up with stuff that ridiculous and obscure! I need time, baby. Here is the one I sent out last year: (Can’t figure out what’s going on with my spacing and formatting here.)
Please get out your No. 2 pencils for the following multiple choice quiz covering the Dolans–year 2007.
1. Sugar Daddy will not be with us this Christmas because
a) in our family, the 38th year is traditionally spent as a hobo.
b) he has gone to live on a farm with lots of room to run and play.
c) he is spending six months serving at Camp Slayer in Baghdad, Iraq. (Who’s yer Baghdaddy?!)
2. While Sugar Daddy’s been away, we have enjoyed lots of visits from
a) the leprechauns who live under the stairs.
b) the loan sharks with the baseball bats.
c) Nana and Papa. (aka Lundy and Pat–Dolanmama’s parents)
3. The “big” kids are in
a) juvie.
b) total denial about House Resolution 292.
c) the sixth grade.
4. Dolanmama is still enjoying her hobby of
a) torturing children by making them fold laundry.
b) making words from the letters in “Obama”. (Bam, mob . . .uh, maybe I should try “Huckabee”.)
c) Irish dancing. (She’s teaching this year, too!)
5. BabyGirl is
a) a Tri-State Champion in the cat-roping event.
b) running from Mr. Smith because she is The One who will reveal the Matrix.
c) 18 months old and growing up way too fast!
6. DS2 is still
a) reminding his teachers why paddling should be allowed in the classroom.
b) hoping to find credible proof of Bigfoot.
c) playing the clarinet and biking.
7. DS1 enjoys
a) knowing he kicked his mother in the bladder for her ENTIRE quad pregnancy.
b) the smell of the fingerprint ink at the Police Station.
c) playing the violin and his philosophy elective at school.
8. DD4 is involved with
a) the Yakuza.
b) dog fighting.
c) piano and Irish dance.
9. DD3 is
a) quietly plotting her escape from the family.
b) locked in a “Battle to the Death” with the cat.
c) singing in the school chorus and serving on the Student Council.
10. The Dolans wish
a) we had some Jell-O right now.
b) we could help Michael Jackson, that poor man.
c) all of our friends and family a very happy holiday season!
I’ll be carrying my notepad around for a while so I can jot down random thoughts as they come into my head. If I cut you off in traffic because I’m busy writing, sorry. Just know that I’m creating a masterpiece.
The Annual Christmas Letter – Part 1
Everyone gets Christmas letters. Some people, like me, love to get these. A full update in a page (or four–you people need to learn to edit) and I feel like I’ve talked to them for hours and gotten all the news. Some people hate to get these. They find them boring and predictable. The thought of someone finding me boring and/or predictable just chills me to the bone. So two years ago I decided to go with a new Christmas letter format. The pop quiz. Here was our quiz for Christmas 2006 (real names disguised because I’m a little paranoid that way):
Dear Friends and Family,
Please get out your No. 2 pencils for the following multiple choice quiz covering the Dolans--year 2006.1. Throughout the first half of the year, Dolanmama was quickly gaining weight because:
a) those Burger King Double Bacon Cheeseburgers are great!
b) it’s glandular, I swear!
c) we were expecting a baby! (AND the Double Bacon Cheeseburgers are great.)2. In April, the Dolan family
a) starred in a reality show about an aging rock star, his medicated wife, and his rotten kids. Wait, that wasn’t us . . .
b) released our latest album—Smell the Glove.
c) spent a week at Disney World with Nana and Papa.3. Sugar Daddy’s big accomplishment in May was
a) adding the record-breaking piece to his World’s Largest Rubber Band Ball.
b) to EAT MOOR CHIKIN.
c) graduating with highest honors from [really impressive] University’s Environmental Law program.4. Our newest family member, BabyGirl, was
a) selected from a cardboard box labeled “Free Puppies” outside the grocery store.
b) a deal because of her special “Rollback” price at Wal-Mart.
c) born June 12th at [military] Hospital.5. DS1 is enjoying his activities of
a) horse-whispering and the mouth harp.
b) hitchhiking and body piercing.
c) violin and swimming.6. DS2 is having fun with
a) the squirrel under his bed.
b) tormenting his sisters.
c) clarinet and Irish dance. (And maybe a little bit of “b”.)7. DD3 is involved with
a) the local chapter of the Hell’s Angels.
b) the “Missing Cupcake” scandal at her school
c) chorus and swimming.8. DS4’s activities are
a) illegal in several Southern states.
b) preparing her for her future as a Mafia snitch.
c) Irish dance and piano.9. After BabyGirl was born, Dolanmama returned to her hobby—
a) carving famous faces into ‘taters.
b) collecting children.
c) Irish dancing.10. The Dolan family wishes
a) we could fly.
b) for three more wishes.
c) that you all have a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year!
In 2006, I only sent this out to a few selected friends. It was just too different and the Sugar Daddy thought it was “weird”. I had such a response, however, that I decided to make a quiz my main letter in 2007. That will be my next post. (I’m such a tease.)
Those Dirty Farmers
Another DS1 story. He’s gonna want me to start paying for these.
One day when he was in second grade, we were all in the van on our way to some exciting activity. (‘Cause I fill my kids’ lives with all sorts of exciting activities–that’s the Fun Mom that I am.) DS1 proudly announced from the back seat that he had learned the word “xenophobia” in class.
Me: Really? And what does it mean?
DS1: It means you’re afraid of farmers.
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: Oooooohhhhhh. You mean foreigners. A fear of foreigners.
DS1:
DS1: OK.
Yeah, farmers scare me, too. http://www.clipartheaven.com/
You Derby Me?
When the quads were in first grade, their vocabulary was often ahead of their spelling abilities. DS1 came home from school one day with a flag he had made. They were able to decorate it any way they wanted. I’m not sure where he got his theme idea from, maybe another kid. But his flag had a huge Mercedes symbol on it with his name and, I guess, social aspirations. “Jack Pees.”* I thought it was more of a subject-verb statement, but he insisted it was a statement for peace.
Same kid got mad at me later that year. Wanting to keep the lines of communication open, he decided to write me a note to express his deepest feelings. I heard him scurry downstairs, drop something on the table, then run back to his room. When I opened the folded letter, I saw his short, but powerful, sentiment.
“I hat you.”
He would have been heartbroken to know I was too busy laughing to feel the sting of his bon mot.
I hat you. Right after I pees.
*Names changed to protect the not-so-innocent.
When Baby Is Too Quiet
When the two year-old in your family is out of sight and quiet for a while, you need to check on what’s going on.
I think I can pull off this look. Mascara on the right cheek, aaaaaand a little lipstick on the left.
